To Tame a Lion

The days of people reading this blog are now long over. This record is now for me to use just as a way to talk and share without the reprisals of advice. Growing up I was a lion. There was nothing I could or would not do. I rock climbed, wake boarded water skied, snow boarded, body surfed, paint balled, air soft, played hard sports, had long hair, never shaved,and most defiantly never ever fell in love. Over the last four years life has taken me many places I never thought to go... I lived in china not only learning one but almost two languages. While I was there my wild nature wasn't accepted but shunned. I had to grow up and care for others more than myself. It was while I was there that I offered up my first prayer to help me prepare one day to have the ability to think about marriage without disdain. It was at this time that she changed her life and joined the church. When I went back to school and actually prayed for the strength to make female friends without wanting to kill them it was then that she came into my life. In the early days I lacked the heart to pursue her properly and my roommate jumped on the occasion. I hated it and I wanted so badly to be better than my feeling but I now had unlocked my heart and there was no escaping the ache when I saw them together in my own house. I left for Utah to see my family I went around with another crowd. I just couldn't escape I was her friend for whatever reason and she wanted me around. At least she wasn't as those in high school who never even liked my company... The longer she wanted to talk of him the more I wanted to leave... I once again calloused my heart passed feelings. I even told her that we would never date.

When they were finally done and he left I was the only one left. It hurt to know that she never liked me first and when we did start dating I had to actually beg. I hated it but I had made up my mind and I was slowly being tamed. It was hard to hear about her other boy friends. They had shared things that we could never while dating and I had to compete with them. Girls will never understand that. I got more and more hooked into the idea of us and after the summer was over I loved her. Man oh man I had no idea what the fall would bring. Mono for a month... a cyst on my sensitive parts... poison oak my old Nemesis once again struck and now she wont talk to me anymore. I know she loves me but she does get angry. We can no longer talk about intimacy things but she can with her other guy friends. It wouldn't bother me but for the fact that we cannot. She spends a lot of time with others guys and when a young girls introduces her family to me at random she gets angry. I never know what to do. I spent all night at work thinking of how dumb I am for letting my guard down but then I remember the way she makes me feel. The feeling is only getting stronger and stronger. I am addicted to her but I spend much time doubting if she could ever feel the same way. She has loved before. What could make me so special. I am trying to have faith and I know she is willing and wanting to spend all her time with me. I have demons in this regard. I have given everything to her and yet she needs more. She needs friends to talk to and I always feel so small that I can't be there for her. I hate myself for weakness and I just try to put on a good face and take one step at a time. I feel like I am in a cage and at the moment I don't have another to occupy it with me. She lives just far enough where she is out of my reach all but one day and the longer she this far the more I fear.

She does love me and it was more than fate that brought us together. I was saved for her and she for me but it is very hard to see it at times when she is doubting me and I also doubt myself. Faith in her and that this is the right thing keeps me going when all else fail.

Man do I need a real friend... hahahaha.